nothingness

Numb and immobile

2009-09-19T09:51:00.000-07:00

Just to update myself that I am alive. Why?

Spontaneous Combustion

2009-03-06T10:02:00.000-08:00

This has no beginning or end or anything to hold me. I really like him and thank God, I still have some brains to know beauty is skin deep. If the guy hadn't opened his mouth, I still won't remember his name or cared if he was safe or lying wasted in some dirty corner.

Anyhoo, it was a lame shindig (Yeah, I complain too often but go too often too) and I spent most of my time there with him, as the people I were with cared too much about schmoozing and networking and doing the whole journo-on-duty crap. I was drinking - later he commented on how 'inebriated' I was. One lady - an administrator- asked us to dance. My friend's mum who attended even asked her daughter who the 'tall guy' was. Hahaha. Though the songs the band played were old, almost dull, he knew each one and his face shone like he had the secret of the world running in his veins. Why did it make me happy?I went home.

A few days later, a weekend, I called him to ask if he was attending another thing and he invited me over. He still does. He wants to learn violin together. He wants to watch some movies together. He plays amazing music and was part of some hard rock band. He says he doesn't like it anymore. He has a girlfriend.

Well, so far, we chat a lot and even talk a lot. I sms him lame things just to let him know I am alive - so far, I reek of lameness - and it makes me happy. Is liking or loving someone really better than the feeling of these emotions being reiprocated? I think it is.

My friends think he's playing his classy cards well and he's keeping his options open yet keeping a guard. One even thinks I should tell him I like him. Another friend thinks he looks like a grocery boy but I should still go ahead and tell him I like him. I won't. I like him. A lot. But I don't want to see another girl cry.

But he knows his Handel from his Schumann and is sophisticated enough to not care about driving a lame car. And these are important to me, or maybe I am just swooning. Even if he's not all that he is, or I think he is, I really am swooning.

We talked about women today, about him, I talked, about karma, about marriage and many other things. Our first serious conversation revolved around him saying something on sleeping with an ex. Mad mad mad. I told him I live in a world where exes don't exist. He said some shit about attachment etc. We both agree on getting bored of people soon.

So far, so unknown. For now I'm gonna take it easy and let the 'like' subside into nothing. More to come.

To Noel, with love

2009-02-20T03:22:00.000-08:00

Noel Haokip (Dec 5 2008 - Feb 20 2009)

Today, our puppy Noel passed away. He wasn't even a year old. Apparently, he swallowed phenyl yesterday. My sister and cousin took him to the doctor who said he'd be fine. According to my sister, he was still fine this morning. She gave him his medicines after which he stopped moving; he was still breathing then. Mum called to tell me Jazz and Adrianne rushed to the hospital. I called my sister who said he was still breathing though limp. Unfortunately, it was too late. She called. I am angry and hurt because noone told me about this.

We already have a big dog, so when our ex-dhobi's wife called me and said she wants to give us a puppy, I wasn't sure. I asked her to speak to my sister. Some hours later, my sister and cousin called and said they're keeping him. I still remember arguing with them about how horrible the older dog would feel. But on first sight, I was crushed. He had light blue, almost purple eyes and the softest dark brown coat. Since he was a christmas present, sister named him Noel after one of the Gallagher brothers. Also, Noel is French for Christmas. Now he's gone.

I still can't believe it. Just yesterday in the morning, he was biting my ankles, I still have scars. I don't know if anything I say will justify or prove how much he meant to me or my family. Maybe it will. But for now, I don't believe it. I just hope he was happy in the short live he had.

I'll miss you.

Love,

Book launches and all

2008-11-21T09:19:00.000-08:00

A funny thing happened today. While going through a blog I was asked to contribute, I followed a link for a pictorial book on roadsigns with a catchy sounding name, Peep peep don't sleep. Curiously, I shot an email to the writer asking him to send me a copy for review.

Well, evening came and I was at the booklaunch at good old Oxford bookstore. What did I think of the book? Clever and humourous. Anyone who's seen the BRO's (Border Road Organisation) unavoidable tribute to Indian roads, and especially their ubiquitously bizarre roadsigns will know what I am talking about.

As we came to the end, this PR girl called and spoke in the saddest tone, asking why I wasn't at her event. Well, you know me, a softie at heart, couldn't cough up the simple words, "I can't make it," and dashed off to the other book launch. The book (second one) was Zafar Saifullah's coffee-table documentation on Sulaimani Bohras. Present were the usual suspects of events with a cultural bent, meaning the Jamwar shawl-draped, pearl-set loving, cheap scotch drinking, pseudo-intellectual looking bureaucratic set. To be fair, the book is worthy of all that fuss. If fuss is even the word. The event also hosted Alan Hart, a veteran war correspondent, sadly, I was too late to hear him.

The reason I am even sharing my dull daily diary is because as soon as I reached office today, my colleagues asked me if I had a date... Duhhhh!!!! Since when did Vogue say black pants, black cardigan and white shirt was 'hot-date' material. More dreary funeral... Hahaha..

Life's a joke...

26th

2008-09-21T00:33:00.000-07:00

Another year... two and a half decades + 1...
I am sooo sad... Nothing seems to work... Nothing is all there is.... Do I deserve this? I think not... Am I better than this? Heck yeah... But optimism means nothing as I know too well...
Nevertheless, I am thankful and grateful to the people who believe in me and hope for me...

All that ends

2008-08-28T09:07:00.000-07:00

As a child, the world is small with only the things we care of that forever seem to remain with us in close proximity. After a certain age, you realise again the world is small because no matter how much you know or have, it all goes away. Love, friends, joys, memories, everything comes to a screeching halt. Some leave for their own good, some are better off away and some just leave for no reason at all.

Clinging on to something is no good either. What does life teach? Dont care, dont want, dont feel because nothing is permanent and that it all vanishes. All the lessons that life throws at you or all the epiphanies that people know of carry the same story in the end. Love is shit. Just be cold and kill your spirit as soon as you can. For that is the only way one can exist, let alone live.

The end.

An End Of Prayers

2008-07-20T02:47:00.000-07:00

The most personal of thoughts, the most painful of sufferings, the harshest of words ever heard are not for all to share. It could be shame, vulnerability, embarassment or even quiet strength because of which we, as humans, do not want to reveal; no matter how freeing or cathartic it becomes in the end, after you reveal your self to another.
One of the hardest and unpleasant of all lessons that we learn, no matter how young or old we are, is to never trust anyone. I've seen complete 'angels' shatter people's spirits and talk the most low and crude of filth. It's not their fault, it's just my stupidity and naivete, perhaps of youth or of simply putting faith in others that led me to this understanding. Or perhaps I never paid heed to the proverbial 'leopard not changing his spots' wisdom.
I am a complete non-believer in terms of eternal bliss, love, happiness and all things grand and foreign. Why should I believe? when everything we have can be snatched away in a moment's madness. Am not old and wise, but nor am I stupid and dumb. I havent seen the world but do have enough experiences to know that, all attempts end up bitter. There comes a time when after much praying and trying you know that nothing pretty ever happens, so you just stop wishing and praying altogether. After all this is the only reality to live by. Do not expect anything, and all that happens will hurt less or even not hurt at all.

Fernando Botero: Of Women, Druglords and War Crimes

2008-07-13T23:18:00.000-07:00

Last friday, I was casually flipping through the latest issue of British GQ for my monthly dosage of humour and sarcasm while I bumped into the larger-than-life yet realistic images of Colombian artist, Fernando Botero.

A little disclaimer here. His images are not for the faint-hearted or nonchalant, be it his exaggerated nudes or his searingly nightmarish images of the Abu Ghraib incident; each are very powerful.

The first image I saw, was of the artist painting a large nude which was somewhat comical yet sad, all in all something anyone can identify with; not necessarily the size, but the message, shall we say. Can't remember the name of the piece though. Another one was a very dramatic image of druglord Pablo Escobar's death.

There was more to come. Horrific and painful images of the prisoners who were inhumanely tortured and dehumanised mercilessly over and over again at Abu Gharaib during the recent war. I am no art critic or patron but I feel that if an artist's work effects you in some way or the other, be it positive or negative, his work is done. that is the gift to me.

In the words of the artist,

"The power of art is to make you remember something and I hope that will happen with my work," says Botero.
More than remembered, its clearly etched in my mind. Both the traumatic incident and Botero's images. Just like a modern day Guernica, perhaps.

Slate
Botero in Venice
Henryk Broder

Shiny, (un)happy People!!

2008-06-27T08:18:00.000-07:00

When life is on a decline and there is no window of opportunity, where does one find stupid inspiration or will to just continue with a fake smile??
I am practically doing nothing with my life. Every passing day is a cold reminder of how everything I ever learnt or was interested in, is a waste. Not that reading a phenomenal book makes one a great writer or flipping thorugh Henri Cartier-Bresson's images will make me half as good a photographer as he was. Its just that, I am completely fatigued, not because of work and the daily grime but because I haven't done anything I dreamt of as a closet optimist in school. Am 25 now, will I still be as pathetic when I am 50?
Not that I am comparing or am envious, but I stumbled upon this website, by some French guy called Alexandre Cadieu. He is just in Art School and has a lot of potential.

Damn! How does that make me feel....er... stupid. Well, what else can I do but get my best pretend optimistic face on!!

The Wisdom of Kahlil Gibran

2008-03-11T00:03:00.000-07:00

Today, I came across this verse by Kahlil Gibran and I fell in love with it instantly. Anyone who reads, likes to collect quotes or just needs a little bit of beauty will surely be inspired. Here's how it goes:

"Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair"

This man and his wisdom cannot be denied. Not that someone of his stature lacks more awareness, just that I wanted a simple reminder of how in the midst of everyday stress and chaos, it's the simple things that truly matter the most. Amen!

Other profound bits of his genius include:

"Yesterday we obeyed kings and bent our necks before emperors. But today we kneel only to truth..."

"Keep me away from the wisdom which does not cry, the philosophy which does not laugh and the greatness which does not bow before children"

Image Source: Wikipedia

Sadness Follows!!!

2007-11-15T08:58:00.000-08:00

I am really unhappy. In addition, now that I am blogging, I see my stupid friends never leave comments on my sweet little post (get it?). Work..as always, sucks!!! Just too much pressure on me. Haven't been out in ages. Nothing to look forward to (besides my trip home).

Sometimes I wonder why it's so easy for us to post our views/grief/joy online. It is after all, an open platform where everyone from Greenland to Hanoi can read it. We think noone can hear us or perhaps that the secret is still with us, when actually people have easy access to it. I feel its an inherent need in all of us to share our pain and happiness with just anyone. We express it via blogs, journals, psycho helplines, friends, family, etc.

Ho-Hum!

Ways To Save Our Planet!

2007-10-22T10:00:00.001-07:00

Its a sad reality! Is it so hard for us the 'intelligent species' to do our bit and, if not stop wasting, then waste less! Fact is, with the overwhelming and ever-growing seriousness of this issue, this is not an option for us. With the damage that we have done and our only planet in peril, we have but no choice to act. I really don't belive a stupid blog can help stop the menace of Global Warming, but this is an issue that needs our urgent actions.

How am I going to save my planet today?
Waste less.
Throw garbage in appropriate bins.
Stop littering.
Use less energy.
Use CFLs only!
STOP TAKING MY PLANET FOR GRANTED!

I came across this article in TIME magazine some months back, I suddenly rememebered it and below is alink to the article. It is a must read for anyone and everyone alive! Its called, "51 Things We Can Do to Save the Environment." It has great ideas that are really simple to implement.If you think about it, these ideas are suggested by people like you and me. Its not hard at all. To paraphrase Nobel Winner Al Gore, this is an An incovenient and undeniable truth! Do your bit!

Image Source: Gift Wrap Gallery (Thanks!)

Autumn Is Here!

2007-10-22T09:30:00.000-07:00

Yes, autumn came late.With global warming heating up and messing everything and everyone's temper, there finally is some respite from the terrible heat and discomfort.As I was leaving office, the vicinity as always was smoky, dusty, congested and polluted. However, the closer I got to reaching home, there was something special in the air. Nothing much, it was the subtle, almost absent fragrance of frangipani aka plumeria, which I never noticed during hot climate months. Just a simple reminder that autumn is here.

Autumn is my favourite time of the year! Period. If I could be a season, I would be autumn. No other time is as pleasant, anticipated, awaited, missed and short-lived as this wondrous season. The whole description reminds me of "Ruby Tuesday," the version covered by one of my all-time favourite bands, Rolling Stones. On the other hand, it also reminds me of a Biblical phrase, which though mostly used optimistically, has an absolutely different connotation here. "This too shall pass." The power of words, a phrase that is commonly used to encourage and cheer people takes a different turn entirely.

Eeks! I am rambling here. The main reason for why I wanted to write this post, was to remind me that whenever there's tension, pressure and stress, I will remember that one cool, autumn night and say to myself, "This too shall pass"!

Bye bye, evil Indian summer. Welcome, sweet autumn!

Is this your ideal wedding dress?

2007-10-02T10:30:00.000-07:00

To all you bridezillas out there....This could lead you to fabulous ideas, come to think of it, these include templates of the grand dame of fantastic wedding dresses- Vera Wang's designs ...

If you think of it, the hunt for the ideal wedding dress unites women (a little too far-fetched sounding, but read on). There is a myriad of us amazing group (us girls), and if there is one thing that unites us, besides our beliefs or ideologies or principles, its our hunt for the ideal wedding dress. If you are still in doubt, you haven't seen brides to be, their mothers, friends and sometimes, abetted by their poor fiances scourge a wedding dress sale!! Definitely, not for the faint hearted!!

Speaking of which, don't you even dare call us materialistic or shallow. And this threat involves serious bodily harm. We are way ahead of stupid men who scratch you-know-where, at some of the most unbelievable times and places. So our fixation is sophisticated, classy and timeless and can be spoken about in front of a polite audience. How would a man ever understand the endless pain, sleepless nights and unbearable angst of slipping into that one dress from where we emerge our radiant and beautiful best. For them, its the same old suit and tie, perhaps some understated cufflinks, with a little cajoling.

Do play the Vera Wang wedding dress game and let me know which one you chose. For all you romantic princesses, take a peek at Oscar de La Renta's collections and let me know which one you picked. Isn't it fun being a girl?

Cheers!

Any place in the world

2007-10-02T10:25:00.000-07:00

If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Okay, if not permanently how about say 6 months or a year?
Anyone who knows me knows my answer is Paris.

I hate my boss

2007-08-27T09:39:00.000-07:00

What a completely depressing day! Period.
Lets recap, it started off fine. Good weather, nice breeze, work was going fine then suddenly i am told all the leaves i applied for have been denied.
I mean why in hell's name do you ask people to apply for leaves if you are not going to grant them. Bloody hypocrites! And the damn boss has to audacity to say people are unfair. Hellooo!!! Reality check!!!!
Its your office, your stinking rules. You made them, noone agrees with you and hell yeah they will find ways to bend and break them. But i feel like the only one targeted.
Life sucks!!

Professional vs. Personal

2007-08-26T11:50:00.001-07:00

As a professional blogger words are drained out of me every single day. And unlike what asinine asswipes like Glenn Beck say, I do not live in my mom's basement. I live in a posh house with a beautiful garden (Thanks to my family and not the measly blogger salary i get). Heck! I'd rather live in mom's basement then live in a cramped shithole of a place and pass judgements about millions i am clueless about.
Hmmm..before i get all angry and abusive, let me just do a quick rewind and get back to why i am here. First time as a personal blogger and i am already running empty of opinions, thoughts, ideas.
Tomorrow's another day and who knows what the day has in store for me (besides my regular blos on stuff i find real boring). If something exciting does come up, i will write a post.
Cheers!!

Professional vs. Personal

2007-08-26T11:50:00.000-07:00

As a professional blogger words are drained out of me every single day. And unlike what asinine asswipes like Glenn Beck say, I do not live in my mom's basement. I live in a posh house with a beautiful garden (Thanks to my family and not the measly blogger salary i get). Heck! I'd rather live in mom's basement then live in a cramped shithole of a place and pass judgements about millions I am clueless about.
Hmmm..before i get all angry and abusive, let me just do a quick rewind and get back to why I am here. First time as a personal blogger and i am already running empty of opinions, thoughts, ideas.
Tomorrow's another day and who knows what the day has in store for me (besides my regular blogs on stuff I find real boring). If something exciting does come up, I will write a post.
Cheers!!